Bystanders are people who witness an incident such as bullying, drug abuse, or sexual assault, or the potential for these to occur, and have the opportunity to intervene and make a difference.
Responsibilities (What Can Bystanders Do)
- Trust Your Instincts – If you witness an incident, take action, whether that means (safely) intervening, getting help, or reporting the incident.
- You Have Options – Intervene in a way that makes sense for you:
- Direct: Check in with the people involved (if safe).
- Distract: Create a distraction to keep the situation from escalating.
- Delegate: Have someone more appropriate intervene (call 911, etc.).
- Prevention is Key – If the alleged perpetrator knows other bystanders are aware of the situation, the chance of violence occurring is greatly reduced. Plus, you are showing your friends and family that they can do something, too.
Helping a Friend Who Is In An Unhealthy Relationship
Talk to a friend who is being abused. You might think that something as simple as talking to a friend about abuse couldn't possibly make a difference. But it really does.
Reach out. Just knowing that someone cares enough to ask about the abuse can break through the wall of isolation that can exist around relationship abuse. If you think a friend or loved one is being abused, talk to them about it. Listen to them. Let them know you care. You don't have to be an expert. You just need to be a friend.
Listen, without judging. Often a person believes the abuser's negative messages about themselves. They may feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate and afraid of being judged by you.
Tell them the abuse is not their fault. Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable. There's no excuse for it – not alcohol or drugs, financial pressure, depression, jealousy, or any behavior of theirs.
Let them know they are not alone. Millions of people of every age, race, and religion face abuse, and many find it extremely difficult to deal with the violence. Emphasize that when they want help, it is available. Let them know that partner abuse tends to get worse and become more frequent with time and that it rarely goes away on its own.
Explain that relationship abuse is a crime, and that they can seek protection from the police or courts, and help from our local agency supporting survivors of sexual assault and intimate partner violence (Wise Options, 800.326.8483).
Suggest developing a safety plan in case of emergency. It's a good idea to keep money, important documents, a change of clothes, and an extra set of keys in a safe place, such as at a friend or neighbor's house.
Think about ways you would feel comfortable helping. Get advice.
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
- Exerting strict control (financial, social and/or appearance)
- Needing constant contact including excessive texts and calls
- Insulting a partner in front of other people
- Extreme jealousy
- Showing fear around a partner
- Isolation from family and friends
- Frequent canceling of plans at the last minute
- Unexplained injuries or explanations that don't quite add up
Be an Active Bystander
Challenge your friends when they say or do something abusive and tell them what you think
- “I'm surprised to see you act that way. You're better than that.”
- “I care about you, but I won't tolerate you being abusive.”
- “This makes me really uncomfortable. What you're doing is not right.”
- “Loving someone doesn't mean abusing them.”
- “Good partners don't say or do those kinds of things.”
